Downer...

So... I found out yesterday that a friend of a friend... prefers to avoid my company. It seems I am a downer. That I never want to do anything. Well, since my illness, clubbing and going out has moved down my list of things that I enjoy. I'm, of late, trying to change that. I felt and sometimes still feel uncomfortable, awkward, in those types of situations. I've gained a considerable amount of weight and am self conscious about that as well. And my overall outlook on life has changed as well. The way I phrase things can be a little off putting so people who don't know me may get the wrong impression of me.


It's when I realize that my best friends feel the same way that I'm hurt. They love me regardless, but still understand the strangers outlook and that bothers me. I do the best I can at each moment in my life. Maybe my harsh stance on most  things is a defense mechanism, maybe not. The not wanting to do anything though... that's totally real. I love my friends and i want to spend time with them as well,but at the same time hanging out as lost some of its luster for me.


I feel as though I'm suppose to apologize for the way I am now. I feel as though I am suppose to be the same me that I was before October 31, 2006 when that girl died. She died everyday she couldn't talk, breathe on her own, or had to drag herself to and fro and be hoisted onto a toilet. She died every time she was hoisted too late and had to be wiped like a child. I don't think even I understood how much that has affected me. If I'm just coming to that realization, how could my friends possibly understand. Butt even when they say they get it... I still feel like I'm suppose to apologize. As though I've done something wrong. 


Maybe that's my own guilt, because I too miss the girl I use to be. The girl who thought the world was her oyster. That 22 year old girl... she was awesome, she was funny, she was friendly. This girl? Well, apparently she's a downer. Any positive thing I've said still stands. This is just been a crappy few days.


So for the 1 person who made it to the end of this rant, that's a bit of my story and thanks for making it to this point. If you're interested in the things I've said and may say in the future please subscribe. Wanna know something that wasn't clear in my story FEEL FREE TO ASK ME... WHY? WELL BECAUSE I'M UNEMPLOYED, HANDICAPPED AND HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO. ;-)